Waiting for Naomily
by Acefromthebaseline
Summary: The Skins characters argue about who’s the cutest… although I think we already know the answer to that one. One-shot, bit out there, just for fun. It's a parody btw - not serious! If you get it, let me know! If you don’t, let me know! Just let me know!


"Shut the fuck up. _I'm_ the cute one. Always have been, always will be."

"I think you'll find, Elizabeth Stonem, that _I'm_ the cute one. Maybe just of the guys anyway, but there is a case that says that I'm the cutest out of all the guys _and_ all the girls as well, in fact out of all of us. I'm the one whose child-like simplicity and evident vulnerability leads people to immediately identify with me and sympathise with my struggle to make sense of the senselessness of the world around me. So on that basis…"

"Cute? Cute? JJ, I think you're deluding yourself, man. If we're talking geeky prick then you'll get the prize every time, no question. But, come on, just look at this face, look at this cheeky grin, these uneven teeth, these baby blues, these tattoos, no-one can resist a tattoo now can they? Can they girls? Eh? Especially where mine is, know what I'm sayin? No, no, no. If we're talking cuteness then it's the Cookie Monster everytime. _Every_ fucking time."

"You're so fucking full of yourself aren't you Cook? Don't you even think that cuteness is subjective? Everyone has their _own_ idea of what's cute. You know, they might go for hair, that's, you know, long and dark and soft, and smells, well… and brown eyes that, you know, seem to see everything and when they look at you they look into your soul…"

"Yeah, yeah, okay Freds, get a fucking room why don't the two of yous? I still say they all go for the cheeky chappy. He's your mate, he's your right-hand-man, he's good for whatever on a Saturday night, know what I'm sayin?"

"It don't have to be a Saturday night with you though Cookie, do it? Some people don't _want_ it shoved in their faces all the time, some people want love and romance and to feel that it's special, you know? _Tell_ him, Tommo."

"Yes, ma jolie, you are right. It should be joyous, the attraction between two people that is like the spark to a flame that burns brightly for a very, very long time, perhaps forever even. The moment when eyes meet, when hearts beat as one…"

"Eeeeurgh! For fuck's sake Thomas, do us all a favour and shut... the… fuck... up. Anyway, where the fuck's my fucking sister? She should have been here fucking ages ago. That's fucking typical of her, she never does anything she fucking says she's going to do these days. And _I'm_ left standing around fucking waiting for _her_, like some fucking lemon. And in these fucking shoes which she knows are the ones that fucking kill me if I have to stand around in them too fucking long."

"Hey, Katie, why is it that everyone says your supposedly identical twin sister is the cute one, but not you?"

"Oh, nice question Freds. Don't sugar the pill, just say what you mean, you know, don't spare her feelings."

"Shut the fuck up JJ."

"_How_ the fuck should _I_ know? It's never been fucking _like_ this before, for your information. I've _always_ been the cute one, the one with the hot boyfriends, the one with the hot clothes, the one with the… you know… tits. She's just my freaky sister, creeping around with her funny collections and her books and her cooking and her gardening, being just fucking _weird_. Yeah, then like suddenly she gets with this blonde bitch and now _she's_ the cute one. It's fucking _wrong_."

"Chill out Ka-ie, don't get your knickers all in a twist. No-one's saying _you're_ not cute. Course you are. In _some_ ways anyway. In't she Eff?"

"Cute."

"Well, it pisses me off. Pisses me right off. I'm the alpha-male around here but why do I get the feeling that I'm being upstaged by a couple of girls who like girls? Mind you, that Naomi, she's got more bollocks than any of yous lot, that's for sure. Oh yeah, she's a feisty one. And I like that in a woman. I do. A bit of fight in them, a challenge, know what I'm sayin? Yeah, yeah, I can see how some people might find that cute. Not me, mind."

"Oh no, not you Cook. _Obviously_. Come on, mate, you fancied her from day one when you met her. I saw you, checking her out in the hall. You thought you had a chance with her but she wasn't interested."

"Wasn't she? _Wasn't_ she, Freddie? Shows how much you know. No-one can resist the charms of the Cookie Monster, _no-one_."

"She's fucking _gay_, Cook. G… A… Y. And I should know cos it's my fucking _sister_ she's being it with. She's probably never, fucking ever, going to be interested in you, Cook, so get over it. And even if she _was_ interested in you then you'd have to fucking climb over my fucking sister's fucking dead body first."

"Oh Naomi's so, so _clever_. She helped me with my philosophy revision and she don't even learn it. Whizzer."

"Cool."

"Well, it's all very well us standing here debating the merits of each other, you know, in the cuteness stakes I mean, but the fact remains that there are two people who aren't here who should be here and they're probably the ones this fuss is all about. If you can call it a fuss, and I would because I've seen what they write on the internet about them, and you know really some of those things they write are really, quite, quite, oh bobbins, shitification, I'm such a fucking stupid, fucking mental, fucking headcase…"

"J, J, it's okay, calm down. You shouldn't _read_ that stuff, you know what it does to you."

"You're right Freds, you're right, I know you are, but sometimes…"

"I know, I know J, you think Emily's cute. We _all_ know."

"Yes, Freddie, I do think she's cute. She's so kind, and, well, gentle, and, you know, it's the way she looks at you, with those brown eyes, and that little mouth that… have you noticed that she has a really sweet little smile, sometimes, when she thinks no-one's looking and she thinks something's funny and this little smile it just makes her top lip curl up and her mouth goes into a little rosebud shape and, well, it makes me feel… oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my giddy, giddy aunt…"

"JJ, man, JJ, you're getting locked on. Just fucking relax, will ya? Yeah, Emily's fit all right, but she's not for the likes of us, not _for_ us, JJ, you need to get that into your thick, curly-haired skull."

"Cook. How many times do I have to tell you? Please. I don't like it when you touch my hair, or my head, or both really, so please just don't do it. Please."

"Leave JJ alone for fuck's sake Cook. You know how he feels about Emily. He can't help it. No-one can help it when they're in love with the most _beautiful_ girl and, well, the world just seems to revolve around her…"

"Didn't you get that room? I fucking told you to get a fucking _room_ Freds."

"Cook, just chill, all right. I don't know what people see in them myself, to be honest. They're _girls_, that's all. Nothing special."

"Everyone's got something that makes them special, Freddie. My mum says that anyway. She says you should keep yourself special. That's why Mum says no boys."

"Mothers do not know everything, Pandora. They may think they do, but there is a lot that mothers cannot know, can never know."

"Yes, Thomas. Mothers can never know, I get it. Whizzer."

"There's a fucking shit-load of stuff our mum doesn't know about Emily that's for sure. And, on that, where the fuck _is_ she? My fucking shoes are fucking killing me. And it's all her fucking fault, the fucking cow."

"Yeah, why are they the so-called cutest? What have they got that, say, me and Effy haven't got? I don't understand."

"You don't understand, Freds? You fucking don't understand? Well, let me be the one to fill you in, my fun sponge friend. First, it may have escaped your notice, but there's people who think they're both cute girls. Second, there's people who think they're cute _together_. _Now_ do you fucking get what I'm sayin? That's why we've got no chance, _no_ fucking chance, Freds man. What can we do in the face of _that_?"

"Cute."

"What do you mean Eff? This stuff don't really make much sense to me. I'm useless. They're cute are they? I don't think I really noticed. They got nice clothes. I noticed that."

"Nice clothes? Panda? Nice _fucking_ clothes? I don't think so. I don't _fucking_ think so. Naomi dresses like a _jumble_ sale and Ems, well, she needs to smarten up a bit, get some hot outfits that make her look more, well, make her look more… like _me_."

"Yeah, they could dress better. Both of them."

"Since when have you been the fucking fashion expert around here Freddie, man? I don't know nothing about clothes, fucking nothing, just that I like them best when they're on the floor, know what I'm sayin?"

"Hmm, that's not a very enlightened approach Cook if you don't mind me pointing it out. I like Naomi, I really do, apart from the fact that she's with Emily and really, you know, _I_ would like, would like very much, to be… to be with Emily, but I know that, well, there's no chance really, no chance at all, especially with Naomi being there and them being… anyway. I don't know if you've noticed but, Naomi, well, she can be sort of, well, sharp, you know, a little bit rude even, I would go as far as to say."

"Oh yer, I know what you're meaning there JJ. And Emily, you know, she's really really nice an all, but she's very _quiet, _a bit _too_ quiet. Sometimes I don't know what she's thinking and it scares me a bit, you know, makes me come over all goose-pimply? Like she's thinking something an I don't want to hear it?"

"Yeah, right, Panda, and that's because my sister's a _secretive little fucking cow_. You never know what she's fucking thinking or what she's fucking doing. All you know is she's never going to fucking tell you."

"Quiet's okay."

"Yes, Effy's right, just because someone's quiet doesn't mean you can't trust them. I don't like them because they're so fucking, I don't know, _close_. You know, shared jokes, little looks. It makes you feel on the outside, you know, left out."

"Yeah, Freds man, you're not wrong there. Left out of their little fucking perfect little world, that's what we are."

"Yer, they have got a perfect little world aven't they? It's like there's no room for anyone else in it."

"No, no room, ma petite. Three makes a crowded place."

"Bollocks, here they are. Here come the fucking cutest couple in the fucking world. It just makes you want to be fucking sick, know what I'm sayin? It does the Cookie Monster anyway, makes me want to.... Emily! Naomi! We've been fucking waiting for yous two ages."

"Oh yeah, thanks so much for finally fucking turning up. Fucking _nice_ of you. Where the fuck do you think you two've been? We've been waiting here fucking ages and these are the fucking shoes that fucking tear my fucking feet to fucking shreds. You're my fucking sister, you should fucking know that."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, but we're not _that_ late. _Christ_."

"We got, sort of, held up."

"Only for a little while. Not _long_. Don't know what you're all complaining about. _Jesus_."

"So, what's going on everyone? What are we waiting here for?"

"Yeah, we've got better things to do you know. _Christ_."

"Well, they told us to come here, the producers I mean, to be collected in _limos_, cos there's some big awards ceremony, up in London, an it's going to be whizzer with champagne and cake and _everything_."

"Yes, as it turns out we've been nominated for an award, well Skins has anyway, but we don't know if we've won, we won't know that til we get there, but it's quite exciting in a lot of ways, although I know we've got lots of awards before, but one more is always nice and…"

"What's the award?"

"_Not_ another fucking award. _Jesus_."

"This one's for Cutest Character or _Characters_ in a Youth-oriented TV Drama apparently. I know who I'd choose."

"Freds. Get. A. Fucking. Room. I already told you, man."

"Cook. Shut the fuck up."

"Oooh, your missus is getting upset, Freds man. You wanna watch her."

"Yeah, thanks for the advice Cook. Means a lot coming from you."

"So who's up for this award then?"

"Yeah, whose turn is it for a big head this time? As if there aren't enough of those around here already. _Christ_."

"Big head. Ha ha."

"Well, I have my suspicions, but really at this point I wouldn't like to say, just in case my prediction influences anyone else's and I don't really think that would be at all fair would it?"

"I don't ave a clue. Not a clue. I'm clueless."

"It is not a matter of having knowledge or not having knowledge, it is more of the journey, the experience of the discovery. That is what is most important."

"How should _I_ fucking know? Do I look like I'm a fucking mind-reader or something for fuck's sake?"

"Search me, man, fucking search me."

"Oh. It's us then Naomi."

"Yeah, it's in the bag Ems. Come on, let's get out of this fucking place. _Jesus Christ_."


End file.
